took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
They’re the worst 😩
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.