For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Digital security in Ancient Troy
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.