DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
mmm onion ringos
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely