There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.