“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5