Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.