[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
is this how new cars are made??
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣