My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
That 👊
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat