Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”