me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*puts my mental health in rice
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
hi why am I like this
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly