“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
You Might Also Like
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Florida be like…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.