Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…