My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
For the ones in the back.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
you have three unread messages
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.