I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.