3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
(Gaming support cat.)
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup