[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Thank you corporation very cool
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along