Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”