art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You Might Also Like
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”