Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me and my fake scenarios
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.