Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer