Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
How dramatic are you?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.