I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
everyone has that one prude friend
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.