every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Not even remotely sorry.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Who says great literature is dead?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u