Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
He’s cranky this morning
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
sistine chapel
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Anime is real
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*