my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers