IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?