Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
This headline is a thing of beauty
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.