What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God