I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
🤣✨#caturday
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland