Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
i want to work in this restaurant
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza