I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
#Caturday
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
wow he looks just like him
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994