You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You Might Also Like
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My blood type is b hungry.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.