I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
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1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
X-tra spooky blend
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine