Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]