Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u