When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
How funny!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried