Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
this FaceApp is creepy af
mood
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol