Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Every work meeting this week
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”