Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?