Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
boat question
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I wish this was real life…
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.