I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day