JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am