“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*launders Kohls cash*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace