Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
You Might Also Like
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
this will hang in the louvre one day
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities