Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
shit, they caught us—run!!!
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.