Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.