It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Banana is the quietest snack
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.