Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping