Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏