wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
You Might Also Like
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
BRO LMFAO
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.